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第12章 意犹未尽的思念 12（第1页）

第12章意犹未尽的思念（12）

Theywereveryhardletters，thosefromdearestPapaaGee。TothefirstIhadtobowmyhead，Idoomyselftohavedeservedthatfulltheiionsofthisact，butheismyfatheraakeshisownview，ofcourse，ofwhatisbeforehimtojudgeof。Butfe，Ithoughtithard，Ifess，thatheshouldhavewrittehasword。TowritetomeasifIdidnotloveyouall，Iwhowouldhavelaiddowasign，ifitcouldhavebeedoneofyoureallyaially，withtheproof，youshouldhavehadlifeaasign。

Itwashardthatheshouldusehisloveformetohalfbreakmyheartwithsuchaletter。Oeiandinignorance。IaskofGodtoshowtohimaunbelievingofyou，thatnever，neverdidIloveyoubetter，allmybelovedohayou，thaninthatday，andthatmoment。

&，dearestArabel！Uandbothofyou，thatif，fromtheappareiesoftheinstant，Itedtolettheyprecedethedeparturebysomefewdays，itoionofnotseeinghimagaininthathouseaa>

&ed，aswemet，atthedoorofMaryleboneChurch，hehelpedmeattheuawordpassedafter。Ilookedlikedeath，hehassaidsince。Youseewewereafraidofasuddenremeverything，oratleast，layingtheunessonmeofajouroLoothey，whichparticularlyIshouldhavehated，forveryobviousreasons。Thereementisimplyaprivatemarriage；aheleastotoaclassofobservatinanttobothofus，Wilsohingtillthenightbefore。WhatIsufferedunderyoureyes，youmayguess，itortiosuccessfullymadetodisguisethesuffering。Painfulitistolookbaivemeforwhateveriatediofmyheart。

。。。

DidyougetmyloerfromParis？AndTrippy，myshortnotefromHavre。Ah，dearTrippy！Lethernotthinkhardlyofme。Noonejudgeofthisact，exeonewhoknhlythemanIhavemarried。Herisesonmehourbyhour。Ifeverabeingofahigherorderlivedamonguswithagloryrouheselatterdays，heissug。

PapathinksthatIhavesoldmysenius，meregenius。WhichImighthavedonewhenIwasyounger，ifIhadhadtheopportunity，butaminnnow。Formysake，fortheloveofme，fromaninfatuationwhifirsttolasthasastonishedme，hehastedtooeioion。

Butthosewhoquestionmost，willdohimjusticefullest，awaitalittlewithresignation。Inthemeaheis，aome，Iwouldfainteachyou。Havefaithi。Heputsoutallhisgreatfaepleasureandsmeintothinkingofhimwhehoughtswanderiosmileinspiteofnilofthem，ifyouhadseenhimthatdayatOrleans。

Helaidmedownobymeforhoutfloodsoftendernessandgoodness，andpromisingtowinbae，withGod'shelp，theaffeofsuchofyry。Andhelovesmemoreaodaywehavebeenight，aome，seriouste;Ikissedyourfeet，myBa，beforeImarriedyou，butnowIwouldkissthegroundunderyourfeet，Iloveyouwithasomuchgreaterlove。"Andthisistrue，Iseeandfeel。Ifeeltohavethepowerofmakinghimhappy，Ifeeltohaveitinmyhands。Itisstraanyonesobrilliantshouldloveme，buttrueais，anditisimpossibleformetodoubtitalyhappythereforeweshouldbe，ifIcouldlookbayouallwithoutthispang。Hisfamilyhavebeenverykind。Hisfathersideredhimofagetojudge，aotherwisethanofsayimoment。Giveyourwifeakissforme，this，wheed。Hissisterseletravellingwritihawordwritten，"E。B。B。fromhersisterSarianna。"Nobodyleasedatthereserveusedtowardsthem，uandingthattherewerereasonsforitwhiotdetrahisaffea。

。。。

ButIthink。。。think。。。ofthesufferingIyown，owevenihinkingofyouthatevening，myowdearestArabel！Oh，donotfanewaffeundotheold。IloveyounowevehiisgoingtowritetoyoufromPisa，aaalso。Helovesyouashissisters，hesays，ayouwereesthatonedayyouwillbewithus，stayingahus，exactlyasIdomyself。

Anddoyoufeelandknow，thatasforme，formypositionasawife，itisayforthisworld。Heistoogoodandtender，andbeyohings，aherwithalovethatgrowsinsteadofdiminishioyouofsugratherthahedralatBes，because，itisofthese，Ifeelsure，thatyoudesirekher。

IamgoingtowritetoPapa，andte，verysoon，Ishall。Ah，dearGeewouldenso，ifhehadknow，yethelovedmewhilehewrote，asIfeltwitheverypaiingcausedme。DearGee，lovehimtohisoorPapa！Mythoughtsgtoyouall，andwillheirhold。DearestHeaamebeaseverandforever。

yourfondlyattached

Ba

（Roaober2，1846

亲爱的妹妹们：

感谢和祝福你们，我最亲爱的亨里埃塔、阿拉贝尔……我最亲最爱的妹妹们——到了奥尔良，我遭受了什么呀——终于接到了你们的来信，我对你们的感激，就像我所遭受的痛苦一样深，像我在你们来信的字里行间留的泪水和亲吻一样多……你们是最亲爱最善良的。在巴黎耽搁了一周，因此一到奥尔良我就得面临死亡时刻——我当时称它为“死亡许可证”，我是那样地担忧和害怕。罗伯特抱来了一大摞信件……我把它们抓在手里，可一封也打不开。我浑身颤抖，脸色越发苍白，四肢越发冰凉。他想坐在我身旁，看着我读这些信，但我没有答应，我决不让他在那一刻到来时这样做——因此，一番央求后，我让他离开10分钟，以便自己独自承受这极度的痛苦。你们知道，按以往的习惯，那样会使我更坚强——而且，不让他看这些信是对的……