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第8章 意犹未尽的思念 8（第1页）

第8章意犹未尽的思念（8）

Idon'tthinkIwillbewritiersmanymoreyearsandIwishyouwouldreadthislettertwice—bitterasitmayseem。Youwillrejeow，butatalaterperiodsomeofitmayebacktoyouastruth。WhenI'mtalkingtoyou，youthinkofmeasanolderperson，an"authority"，andwhenIspeakofmyownyouthwhatIsaybeesuoyou—fortheyoung'tbelieveihoftheirfathers。Butperhapsthislittlebitwillbeuaitinwriting。

WhenIwasyeIlivedwithagreatdream。ThedreamgrewandIlearospeakofitaehedreamdividedonedaywheomarryyourmotherafterall，eventhoughIkneoiledanogoodtome。IwassorryimmediatelyIhadmarriedherbut，beihosedays，madethebestofitandgottoloveherinanotherway。Yougandftimewemadequitealotofhappiofourlives。ButIwasamandivided—shewaoworktoomuchforherandnotenoughformydream。Sherealizedtoolatethatwnity，andtheonlydignity，aobywherself，butitwastoolateandshebrokeandisbrokenforever。

Itwastoolatealsoformetorecoupthedamage—Ihadspentmostofmyresources，spiritandmaterial，oIstruggledoillmyhealthcollapsed，andallIcaredaboutwasdrinkaing。

&akeImadewasmarryingher。Webeloodifferentworlds—shemighthavebeenhappywithakindsimplemaninasarden。Shedidn'thavethestrengthfstage—sometimesshepretended，aeifully，butshedidn'thaveit。Shewassoftwhensheshouldhavebeenhard，andhardwhensheshouldhavebeenyielding。Shey—she'spassedthatfailingontoyou。

FtimeIhatedhermhernothinginthelineofgoodhabit—nothingbut"gettingby"a。Iedtoseeagaininthishhtupasidlers。Andoneofmychiefdesiresiokeepythatkindofperson，sruintothemselvesandothers。Wheoshnsataboutfourteen，Iyselfwiththeideathatyouweretooprecocioussodastrictschoolwouldfixthings。ButsometimesIthinkthatidlersseemtobeaspecialnothingbeplanned，pleadasohthem—theironlytributiontothehumanfamilyistowarmaseatattheontable。

Myrefdaysareover，andifyouarethatwayIdon'twanttogeyou。ButIdon'twabyidlersinsidemyfamilyorout。Iwantmyenergiesandmyearningsforpeoplewhotalkmylanguage。

Ihavebeguyoudon't。Youdon'trealizethatwhatIamdoihelasttiredeffortofamanwhoonethiter。Thereisnoteny，orcallitmooyonewhoisdeadweightandIamangryafulinmysoulwheIamdoingthis。Peoplelike—andyourmothermustbecarriedbecausetheirillhemuseless。Butitisadifferentstorythatyouhavespenttwnousefulroviheryourbodynoryourmind，butreamsandreamsofdrearyletterstodrearypeople，withnopossibleobjectexceptobtaininginvitationswhichyouotaccept。Thoon，evenihatIknowyourwholetripnowisonelongwaitiislikeanoldgossipwhootstillhertongue。

Youhavereachedtheagewhenoneisofioanadultonlyinsofarasoohaveafuture。Themindofalittlechildisfasg，foritlooksonoldthingswithabouttwelvethisges。Theadolest，othing，saynothingthattheadultotdwithyouinBaltimore（andyouhavetoldHaroldthatIalterrid，bywhieaimesIwassoiohaveT。B。ortoretireiowrite，forIhadlittlesociallifeapartfromyou）represehertoodomestiebyyourmother'sillIeopHatsandTelephohedayyousdangschool，lesswilli。。。

Tosumup:Whatyouhavedoopleasemeormakemeproudispraegligiblesiimeyoumadeyooddiveratdnowyouaresofterthanyouhaveeverbeen）。Inyourcareerasa"wildsocietygirl"，vintageof1925，I'med。Idon'twantanyofit—itwouldboreme，likediningwiththeRitzBrothers。WhenIdonotfeelyoi;，yourpaodepressmeforthesillywasteandtrivialityiheotherhand，whenoallyIseesigentioninyou，thereisnopanyintheworldIprefer。Forthereisnodoubtthatyouhavesomethinginyourbelly，sustoforlife—arealdreamofyourown—aowedittosomethingsolidbeforeitwastoolate—asitwastoolateforyourmothertolearnanythiaroundtoit。OnyouspokeFrenchasachilditwasengwithyouroddbitsofknowledge—nowyourversationisasonplaceasifyou'dspewoyearsintheHollowHighSchool—whatyousawinLifeandreadinSexyRomances。

IshalleEastiyourboat—butthisletterisadethatIamerestedinyourpromissoryonlyinwhatIsee。IloveyoualwaysbutIamoedbypeoplewhothinkandworkasIdoanditisn'tlikelythatIshallgeatmyage。Whetheryouwill—orwaobeseen。

Daddy

&ro-Goldoration

&y，ia

July7，1938